Parents Should Ignore Their Children More Often
Parents Should Ignore Their Children More Often
Adapted from an article by Darby Saxbe, PhD, originally published in The New York Times (September 15, 2024). Shared for educational purposes for families without a subscription.
Modern parenting often feels exhausting—and for good reason. Many current parenting practices assume that children need constant attention, stimulation, and supervision in order to thrive. However, research and history suggest otherwise.
For most of human history, children grew up in large, intergenerational groups. Adults did not supervise them closely all day. Instead, children observed, played, wandered, and learned by being part of everyday life. In fact, what we now call “benign neglect” may be far closer to the way children evolved to grow and learn.
What Evolution Tells Us About Parenting
Of course, just because something is ancient does not automatically make it good. Still, humans spent roughly 90 percent of our history as hunter-gatherers. As a result, our brains developed to function within that social structure.
In those communities, adults focused on their own work while children tagged along. Parents did not center their lives entirely around entertaining or instructing kids. Instead, children learned by watching others forage, build, cook, socialize, and solve problems. Because of this, observation played a powerful role in preparing children for adulthood.
The Case for “Mindful Under-Parenting”
A parenting style inspired by this model encourages adults to live their lives while allowing children to be present without constant engagement. Some researchers refer to this approach as mindful under-parenting.
Children do not learn only through direct teaching. Instead, they absorb skills and social cues by watching the adults around them. Whether a child observes someone fixing a tire, preparing dinner, or relaxing after work, those moments quietly shape their understanding of the world.
Why Boredom Is Actually Good for Kids
Perhaps most importantly, under-parenting gives children the opportunity to experience boredom. While boredom often makes adults uncomfortable, it plays a crucial role in development.
Neuroscience shows that a resting brain is not an idle brain. When children have nothing to do, their minds begin to wander, imagine, and reflect. In particular, they think about other people’s thoughts and feelings. Over time, this process builds empathy, creativity, patience, and emotional resilience.
If we constantly entertain children, we unintentionally rob them of the chance to develop these skills.
Everyday Opportunities for Healthy Boredom
Surprisingly, some of the best boredom opportunities come from ordinary errands. Long adult conversations at a relative’s house, trips to the post office, or waiting at the bank all offer moments for children to observe and daydream.
Leaving screens at home during these outings deepens the experience. Although children may protest at first, this discomfort helps them learn how to manage frustration. Meanwhile, parents build their own tolerance for fussiness, an essential part of mindful under-parenting.
Ironically, trying too hard to distract kids from screens can increase screen dependence. When children expect constant stimulation, they struggle to engage independently.
When Parents Should Step In
Under-parenting does not mean neglect. When children feel unsafe, overwhelmed, or genuinely need guidance, parents absolutely should step in.
However, ignoring children much of the time allows parents to conserve energy. As a result, when children truly need attention, parents can respond with presence, patience, and focus.
A Healthier Alternative to Helicopter Parenting
We often criticize helicopter parenting, yet we rarely discuss what should replace it. Ideally, children would roam outdoors freely and safely, as many adults remember doing in past decades. When that option isn’t realistic, mindful under-parenting offers the next best solution.
This approach means bringing children along while you work, exercise, or socialize. Children observe, adapt, and learn how to exist in adult spaces without being the center of attention.
The Role of Community and Public Spaces
Unfortunately, many public spaces in the U.S. have become less welcoming to children. Gyms, cafes, and social environments often exclude them. In contrast, countries like Germany, Spain, and Denmark integrate children into everyday life. Playgrounds sit beside cafes, and infants nap in strollers outside while parents socialize nearby.
These environments reflect social trust and shared responsibility. When communities treat children as a collective good, parents no longer feel pressure to hover constantly.
Rethinking Parenting as a Society
Ultimately, mindful under-parenting requires more than individual effort. It requires structural change. Beyond family leave and child care, we need public spaces that welcome children and allow light supervision.
When society shares responsibility for children, parents gain freedom and children gain independence. In that world, ignoring children more often is not neglect. Instead, it becomes a gift.
