How Much Do You Handle?
The level of demand that can be easily tolerated varies over time, and from person to person.
The level of demand that can be easily tolerated varies over time, and from person to person.
Psychologists have a thing for mice. We love to test those little guys. We put them in water, in mazes, in cages, and on lush, grassy fields.
Your daughter cries, “I wish I were pretty.” Your son mutters, “I’m stupid.” Or any variation: I’m fat / a loser / the worst player.
Reflexively, you exclaim: “That’s not true! You are attractive / smart / popular / talented!” Your intentions are good. You mean it. But, instead, your compliments seem only to irritate them. Why?
It’s not that your opinion doesn’t matter (although, to your teen, it probably doesn’t). It’s that your child does not believe you. And, your nice words don’t help. They may even hurt.
Most teens I’ve worked with seriously doubt the motives behind their parents’ compliments. Some explain: “My mom says I’m pretty because she feels sorry for me,” “My dad says I’m smart because he has to. He’s my dad,” “My parents say I’m good just to make me feel better.” These teens can twist warm parental encouragement into a shaming experience.
He doesn’t accept himself. Against this intensely negative self-focus, your compliments don’t stand a chance.
Think of it this way. Imagine (or remember when) your son fell off his bike at age 5, and you announced cheerfully: “You’re fine! Just keep going!” But he actually didn’t feel fine. He was really hurt. Your encouragement may have invalidated his experience. He did not feel understood or supported.
The child who puts herself down does not accept herself. When you insist that she is thin, etc., it invalidates her. She wasn’t understood or supported.
You’ve heard of “vicious cycles…” When you respond with emotional warmth and encouragement to your child’s self-criticisms…you may actually be rewarding her non-acceptance of herself. He learns that he gets flattery and reassurance (even if it’s not totally believable and certainly not enduring) for putting himself down. In a low mood, in a time of self-doubt, she may increasingly berate herself, unconsciously expecting warmth and encouragement. As she negatively judges herself, you amp up compliments, she judges more negatively, and so on.
Self-Criticism through the Ages: How to Respond
Ages 3-4: Surprise: even youngsters this age can come down pretty hard on themselves. Many times, it takes the form of self-harm, such as banging their head on a wall or smacking their face when upset or frustrated.
Ages 5-6: Fit and active children as young as this (boys and girls) have told me they’re “fat.” Body image is no longer just a teen thing. However, self-criticism at this age is more often related to (1) negative mood, (2) frustration, and (3) fears that he/she has disappointed others. Some children may hurt themselves physically. Others use words: “I can’t do this,” “I’m stupid.”
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Ages 7-9: The developmental task for these kiddos is to develop industry, to decide if they are skillful, motivated, driven, and productive individuals. This is often decided as they compare themselves to others. This age is where self-esteem starts to solidify. Your opinion as a parent is still very important to your child. Self-criticism at this age may stem from viewing peers are more successful/able/capable/attractive/popular, etc. You may expect unflattering comments related to these.
Ages 10-14: The focus turns more and more toward friends and peers. Your opinion matters less and less. Self-criticism that starts at this age can be a sign of depression and low self-esteem. Ongoing self-loathing has dire social consequences; it is hard to make friends if you don’t like yourself. Occasional self-doubt may be common. It will most often relate to how she sees herself compared to others of her age and gender. A likely source may be peer comments and bullying. Particularly girls who enter puberty early are at risk of negative attention.
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Ages 15-19: Self-criticism at this age probably stems from a history of failed attempts at relationships, tasks, or improvements. With teens, there can be a range of triggers for self-criticism. Even if your child only occasionally states self-loathing, it’s probably true that she has chronic negative self-statements in her psyche. Depression may be very likely. Children this age are capable of deeper reasoning, understanding, and dialogue. The self-bullying speech will probably interest him, but not have much effect on curbing self-criticism.
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Good self-esteem is the ultimate buffer in kids’ lives. It bolsters them during failure. It navigates them through social pressures. It weathers their emotional (and hormonal) storms. It keeps their negative self-statements in check. Good self-esteem encourages kids to try new things. It helps them understand other people, and treat them well. It makes life more enjoyable. Self-esteem is not something kids build on their own. In fact, building self-esteem can have more to do with others than it does with the self.
Parents, your role in your child’s self-esteem is critical. From your child’s birth onward, you get more and more jobs in helping her develop positive self-esteem.
Birth to 1 Year: Good self-esteem starts when babies learn to fulfill their basic needs (love, hunger, comfort) by manipulating parents and caregivers. (“When I cry, Dad hugs me.”) There are 3 jobs for parents.
1 Year to 3 Years: Good self-esteem means feeling brave and secure enough to explore and try new things. There are 4 more jobs for parents:
3-6 Years: Good self-esteem is being able to do stuff for oneself. There are 3 more jobs for parents:
6-11 Years: Good self-esteem means comparing oneself realistically to others and, in doing so, seeing self-worth. There are 3 more jobs for parents:
12-20 Years: Good self-esteem is knowing who you are, and who you are not. There are 3 more jobs for parents:
An important, final note: mental illness is the arch enemy of good self-esteem. It ruthlessly attacks self-esteem. This can and does happen even for kids who have great parents. Mental illness can interfere with the development of good self-esteem from toddlerhood and up. When a child has poor self-esteem, particularly within the context of a supportive home environment, it’s a red flag for mental illness. The usual culprits are depression, anxiety, and attention problems. Signs of low self-esteem include:
Children with good self-esteem have experiences–often provided to them by parents–that prepare them well for their future. They expect to succeed in what matters most to them.
As parents, we almost instinctively react to our child’s unwanted, negative behaviors. When our child acts out, we revoke their privileges (no more cell phone today), punish them (extra chores), and remove attention (time out). These can all be effective ways to reduce acting out behaviors. But an even more effective way is to also reward positive behaviors. Exactly when the child is doing the right thing, provide praise that is as specific as possible (name the behavior you like). Catch Your Child Being Good. Examples of rewarding positive behaviors:
Tie even and especially your impulse purchases (a small toy, for example) to your child’s past or present good behavior (“OK, buddy, I will buy you that matchbox car. You can have it because you tried your best at piano lessons today and I was proud of you for that.”). In the psychology biz, we call this “intermittent reinforcement.” It is THE BEST way of getting good behavior from your children in the future. Click the link for nice article about intermittent reinforcement.